I have this reoccurring dream, every night or every other night. You see, I dated and was engaged to a guy, N when I was sixteen. He was twenty one. I loved him, with every part of my being. I would have done anything for him, followed him anywhere. He got me into harder drugs (Opioids, stimulates, hallucinogens), he was abusive and possessive.
He tried to kill me twice, one by putting a loaded gun to my temple and again by attempting to strangle me in my sleep. When he would hit me or beat me, he told me it was my fault, that he was teaching me a lesson, or that he was punishing me. I began to believe him. I got to the point where, he made me block all of my guy friends, my brothers even. I ended up going to rehab and he made me promise to work hard and come home before I went.
The first time I saw him on a visit home, I met him at Mc Donalds, we spent the weekend together. When I ran away from rehab, he picked me up. He took me home, to my moms. I found texts on his phone, asking a mutual friend for drugs and to “hang out.” I confronted him and he yelled at me. One night, on another visit home, I begged him to come see me when he was done with work and he promised he would. He never showed up and I broke up with him, thinking he would kill me anyway.
He never did because the next week, he got arrested. Now he sits in prison, it’s been one year but I still dream of him, constantly. I know, if I were to approach him, it would ruin my life again. I’ve dreamt of him sixteen times this month. Always of him, different situations, different settings. For example, the dream from last night.
In the dream I was home, at my moms. I wanted to go to the beach downtown (We dont have on downtown in reality) and I went anyway. I stopped on the bridge seeing N, I felt fear raise through my dream self and a deep aching yearning. I turned around and ran, through trees and into another city, where I hid in an alleyway. My boyfriend in the dream (my love interest in reality) saw me and smiled, he hugged me and took me to the movies. When we came out of the movie N was there, he saw me and smiled. My dream self turned to look at my boyfriend and he was gone. I turned to look at N again and he was turning into my boyfriend. I screamed and fell, shaking my head.
In some of the other dreams, 1.) N gets out of prison and finds me, harms my family and then me. 2.) N comes to find me and puts me under his spell and makes me hurt my family. I know I can’t stop it and so I cry while it happens. When I harmed one of my best friends in that one, I fell beside him and shook him crying. “He made me do it! You know I couldn’t stop! He wouldn’t let me!”
I guess my question is, why do I seem to constantly dream of my ex-fiance like this? Do you suppose there’s anything I can do to prevent these dreams?